or_timelords: (Default)
or_timelords ([personal profile] or_timelords) wrote2008-12-19 09:34 pm

This could prove to be interesting.

from [livejournal.com profile] laser_not_sonic

If you woke up one morning and found me in your bed, what's the first thing you'd think or say?

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-23 05:10 pm (UTC)(link)
[Alright. A deep breath, as he closes his own eyes and puts his hands on his other self's temples, and then he opens contact. If he could, he would muffle the drums; but they're beyond his control, and in telepathic rapport like this, unavoidable—as much a part of him as the memories he shares.]

[He lets his own shields down fully, too; if the other Doctor pries too closely into sensitive areas, he may pull back, try to shield, but for the moment, he'll let him see whatever he needs to, to understand the differences between them.

There's the Time War, the end of it, that choice and that burden, a common point between them, as is much of the history that goes before. Beyond that...everything starts to come apart.

No companions, for years following the Time War. Loneliness and anger and remembering the man he was, before the war, and searching for that man, across all of time and space. A restlessness, a scratching pressure at the back of his mind, that wasn't the drums yet but that would grow into them. No rest, no peace, no reasons, and no explanations. The last Dalek, and destroying it, and still finding no peace, though that may have been the first day of the drums. He can't remember; he isn't certain. They crept up, somehow, until they were a part of him and it's hard to know when they purred up from silence to thunder.

The Game Station. Jack, but no Rose. A choice. The same choice. Again.

And he chose killer.

Waking up after, as a new man. The rush of that, because, really, his Tenth is all about the rush, the wonder, the brilliant run from sight to sight, experience to experience, and, in the post-regenerative haze, in those first few moments, he hadn't had the memories to mar that outlook.

Coming awake properly, and wandering the station. No bodies, only gray dust; and he couldn't remember who he was or what had happened. The Earth below, gray clouds like duststorms continents wide and no green anywhere, and he'd known that wasn't right. Daleks, unmoving, dust pouring out through their casings, and that had stirred memories.

He hadn't wanted them back.

There was no point in changing his clothing, the way he usually did on regeneration. He was the same man. He had made the same choice. The new personality fought this, but he knew he was right. The personality was wrong. It hurt him. It wanted to reach out, to show off, to laugh and run and share the brilliant universe with friends. With humanity. It wanted to be close. It wanted to forgive.

More running, and discovering that some of the Daleks had still survived. Hunting them, always. Killing them without mercy and with cold-hot satisfaction.

Becoming the hunted, when the Family of Blood caught his scent. Using the Chameleon Arch to escape, leaving his human half back in the 20th century (and John Smith still lives, still human, still separate, a man who chose to go to the Great War, a shame) and the watch, himself, his Time Lord self, in the TARDIS.

Centuries of imprisonment. Until the TARDIS pulled him out of the watch and remade him, gave him the body he wears now, his Tenth recreated, right down to the Gallifreyan mark of exile on his arm. Gave him a second chance.

Resentment and gratitude and surprise and...something like humility. He hadn't even thought...Had never expected her to
save him.

A new depth of connection with her, another change to get used to, another shift of self.

Like the drums. Which were constant now, loud and always and driving.

More hunting, and more exploring, and more anger, until...here.

The multiverse.

Learning how life had gone, for his others, in their universes. Learning what the drums meant to them. Gaining the first companion he's had since the War, Astrid, saved from her stardust existence by himself and one of his other's.

She's not even from his universe; he never met her, when she lived. Never saved the
Titanic and failed to save her. She's stolen, and he doesn't understand their relationship, it's moving too fast, there's something wrong with it, but it's something. Perhaps it's a start.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-23 05:10 pm (UTC)(link)
[There's more. Memories of hunts and of agreements struck with the remnants of a sentient star, light in his eyes and his own voice inviting others to burn with him and the screaming of Daleks as they steam to death in their metal carapaces. Errors made, and casualties. The few times he's let others die because it was for the greater good, and there was no way to save them and keep the exterminators from escaping, as well. The drums, everywhere. Long hours in his laboratories, the medical bay, trying to explain them away. No luck. Days spent in the rebuilt Zero Room and still no silence. Wondering if he's more a new man than he's ever been, and if there's any way to find his way back.]

[...He'll ask, if he can, to look into his other's mind. A mental question. He wants to see if there's anything, anything at all, of the man he is now in his other. If the drums are there, even the slightest echo of them, in any moment.

He won't admit it to himself, but he also just wants to see. The good memories. The Earth still whole, and the friends. Things going right and wrong, but right more often than wrong.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-23 09:10 pm (UTC)(link)
[He's been in contact with another Doctor-who-had-Rose before, so he knows something of what he'll find. The quiet. The running and laughter and the tragedies, the friends lost and hurt, both unintentionally and because it had to be done. Memories taken away, so that they might survive.

Such regret. Over such small things. Things that had to be done.

But he understands that, the regret. It doesn't hurt him.

The love does. The true friends.

Those memories, he touches lightly, hesitantly, as though they might burn—or as though they might hypnotize, a moth drawn into the flame. If he looks too hard, he might never look away. He might try to take, and they're nothing that can be taken. They're the wake of time, the marks of events long since past, never to be relived.

He tries not to see, as he searches. He tries just to listen. To the quiet, though no matter how far into his other's mind he goes, his own drums still follow him, a mental pulse like the beating of his hearts.

He listens for an echo. Any echo, in any memory.

Goes far, far back. Back to when the Master—when Koschei—says his began. When they were very, very young.

There are differences there, between them, in the far past just as there are in the recent past, and those surprise him.

But there are no drums. Anywhere.

He's alone.

When he pulls back, into his own mind, he brushes by certain memories a second time. The Daleks, New York, the other helping them, even though they'd killed so many human beings. He can't understand; there were only four of them, then, it could have been
over, and instead his other helped.

The
Titanic. Astrid, every memory he can find. Turning them over, because she expects him to understand, to have shared those experiences, and he doesn't. They're secondhand to him, and they always will be.

Davros. The beach. The metacrisis.

A decision he approves of, and his other doesn't.

His other's response to that decision.

Too dangerous to be left on his own. Born in battle, full of blood and anger and revenge.

And that is what he hates, about being around his others. The shame. Knowing that that is how they see him.

Knowing that that is how some part of him, under the drums, sees himself.

He lingers, one last moment, in the quiet, and then snaps back into his own mind.]


[It feels wrong, and right. It feels dark, like entering a building after hours out in the sunlight. He'll adjust. He's adjusted before.]

[The drums grind away some of the shame, as he opens his eyes. Help. He should let his other help. He should say yes. He should.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-24 12:06 am (UTC)(link)
[The tears shock the Doctor in black. Even when it's hurt him most, the life he's led, when he's walked the streets of London and known exactly, precisely the moment when the world around him ends, because he ends it, he's never cried. The grief sits in his chest, twists around his hearts, strikes him dumb or makes him talk too much, too fast. He chokes it back, and runs.]

[He meets his other's eyes, when the other Doctor looks up, because...if he didn't, what would that mean? He's as much the Doctor as this other Time Lord, this other one who saved the Earth. They're not the same man, but they're equals.]

[His universe was not a mistake. He wasn't dealt a bad hand. It was the only hand, and he made his choices in full knowledge, picking them out of the warp and weft of time, taking the paths he felt were right.]

[Except...]

[He did cry once.]

[Before he'd come to himself, before he'd remembered, as he'd walked through the Game Station. He'd been crying, and he hadn't known why.]

[That was how he'd first seen his face. His new face. In the reflection on a picture window, as he looked down at the gray Earth. Tear-streaked, a grieving man, even though he hadn't felt any grief, hadn't understood the tears.]

[A mirror image, mourning. Just like his other is now. The same face.]

[He looks away, quickly, because with the memory of the moment comes the memory of the sensation, and he can feel the old regret burn at the corners of his eyes. He isn't going to cry. He isn't.]

[His throat works, tight, and he rubs the back of his neck with one hand.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-24 02:37 am (UTC)(link)
[He almost pulls away from the touch, a reflex falling somewhere between the defensive rejection of a teenager trying to maintain his cool in the eyes of his peers and the habitual contact-avoidance of a leper, fearful of infecting others.]

[It wasn't wrong. He'd make the same choices again. Even without the drums. He thinks.]

[He can't be sure.]

[What if there were other options, and he just couldn't feel them, through the pressure of the sound? What if he's on the road to making other choices that feel right but wipe out more millions of lives? And he can't see that, can't hear the voice, his voice, the one that tells him to stop?]

[The voice talking to him right now. His other's voice.]

[So he looks back at the other Doctor, his eyes sheened over with the tears he's holding in check.]

Right. You—[He runs a hand down his face—don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry]—you'll help. I have some...some theories. You'll need to see my notes, that may take—[And, dammit, a tear gets away from him, and he stops talking abruptly.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-24 03:59 am (UTC)(link)
'Course you will. [He wipes the errant tear away and manages a grin.] It's what we do. [And he accepts the offer of a hug, but perhaps not quite the way the other Doctor offers it—the moment of flippancy and the grin have helped him find his rhythm again, and it's a quick bounce-and-grab, the hug he gives friends when they're just about to run off and get into some kind of incredibly-exciting-and-not-*too*-dangerous trouble.]

Oi, you're still in your jim-jams. [He's just now realized this, as he pulls back from hugging his other, hands on his shoulders, taking in the stripy pajamas.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-25 05:50 am (UTC)(link)
[Oh, right, he's still barefoot, too. Hm. Well, he's got plenty of spare Converse in the wardrobe; he'll pick up a pair while he's there, and go by to retrieve the ones he left back in the storage room later. Maybe. Or maybe he'll just leave them there, because he's sure to sleep in that room again, and maybe he'll be barefoot and need shoes the next time, one never knows.]

Chilly? Really? [The Doctor frowns thoughtfully. He used to notice things like that—to have to ask the TARDIS to adjust settings for him or to wonder why she refused to do so. Ever since she freed him, he's not sure if she automatically adjusts for him or he for her, but little things, the light levels, the temperature, the gravity, they always seem...right. Which isn't right. But it's not wrong, either. Just...different. Really different. He doesn't like to think about it.] Seems alright to me. I'll see if I can't get her to turn up the thermostat.

[The hand on his back, and the easy way his other guides him out of the room and shuts the door irk him slightly—this is his TARDIS, not his other's, and to feel the other assuming even that bit of control hooks at the drums. They object. He should get this other Doctor out of here, they say. He says. They say. He can never be sure.]

Right. Wardrobe. Same as yours, is it? Through here. [And the wardrobe door is only a few short steps away. The Doctor pushes it open and leads his other in, glad to be away from the armory and the confrontation and emotions of the past few minutes.]

[It's the same as his other's—spiral staircase, racks and racks of clothes, mostly Earth fashions, from every era.]

The coat and the suit are...well, I reckon they're where you found them. [He hasn't moved them, but he knows exactly where they are. The clothes he never knew he was meant to be wearing, until he came to the multiverse.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-25 05:51 pm (UTC)(link)
[The Doctor has found his way to his Emergency Converse Resupply Stash—an entire shoe rack tucked away against one wall, full of Converse in all colors. Chuck collectors everywhere would die of envy, but he goes straight for the black, without a glance at the turquoise, fleur-de-lys-patterned parchment, red, white, faux crocodile skin, self-lacing green bioluminescent...]

[He looks up from snagging some fuzzy socks from a trunk, and raises a skeptical eyebrow at the other Doctor's sartorial choice. Seriously?] Oi, you could just say you've forgotten. Second level, the suit's on the rack at one o'clock, by the mirror. Coat's right by that space-samurai outfit from Bowie. Still don't know if it was a good idea or not, showing him the wardrobe. He went right for the old robes.

Catch.

[And he'll toss over some fuzzy socks.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-25 08:32 pm (UTC)(link)
[The Doctor's long finished lacing up his black Converse by the time his other comes bounding back down the stairs. He recognizes that approach to stairways, using the balustrades more than the actual stairs; it really looks rather hazardous, when seen from the outside. Huh.]

[His other's choice of clothing gets another raised eyebrow from the Doctor. It's clear what his other is doing, here. Leave the "right" outfit behind, for him. For the day he chooses to wear it. Other Doctors have told him that day will come.]

[Well. Other Doctors haven't lived in his universe. He wouldn't wear the coat and suit anymore than he'd wear his Fourth's long scarf or the celery-lapel look that his Fifth fancied. It's not him.]

Right. [No comment, although his tone implies comment.]

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-25 11:48 pm (UTC)(link)
[Oi, that's right—being in the TARDIS and not being able to feel her, that must be enormously disorienting for his other.]

[He kicks off from where he's been leaning against the end of one of the racks, running a hand through his hair as he thinks.]

Locating an alternate TARDIS in an alternate universe... Hm. Never done that before.

Mine won't work in your universe, she'd lose power, I'm not risking that, so that means... [Hmhmhm, he looks up at the ceiling, far above them, his tongue to the tip of his mouth.] I dunno.

You could try walking outside with your fingers crossed, go through the first doorway you come to, a bit like Wonderland out there, all roads lead to Rome. Or home. Or Neverland, you never know.

OR! Ororor—it might work, dunno, well, can't know until we've tried—[And he does his own bouncing, pulling his glasses out of a jacket pocket and sliding them up his nose for no clear reason other than this is a *puzzle* and those require the smartie glasses, and hopping over to his other]—I'll put you through to my TARDIS, you tell her what she's looking for, you know, give her a feel for yours, and she'll see if she can't make contact. She loves the multiverse, mine, like the Rift but better, I wouldn't be surprised if she can get a signal out along any Time Vortex that's ever been, is, or might be, from here.

So—[he wiggles his eyebrows at his other, and puts his hands up, ready to establish contact again]—shall we give it a go?

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-26 03:24 am (UTC)(link)
[Hm, this is a bit of a dilemma, isn't it? The Doctor has to stop and consider. Something else he's never tried, and he wonders why. All of those universes. He could run properly—but...those other universes aren't his. He's lost Gallifrey, he's lost the Earth, he won't lose his universe.]

Well... I know she'd be fine in the multiverse, nothing's nullified here. But...beyond that? In my universe?

Hm. If we could synchronize a doorway in yours to a doorway in the multiverse, synchronize that with a doorway into your universe...create a kind of tesseract-slash-extension-cord-slash-umbilical, well, it might be a bit of a security risk, you'd want to keep an eye on it, make sure nothing came over from your universe but energy, but...

Yes. Like the Subtle Knife, right, there'll be some net loss of energy, but the multiverse ought to compensate for that, I think it would work. Do you think it would work? I think it would work.

[identity profile] watch-is-me.livejournal.com 2008-12-26 04:36 am (UTC)(link)
Right, yes, exactly, it's like a terminal, a hub, shortcut between universes, breaks all the rules of time and space, I love it.

[And the science talk, the technobabble, he loves that, too. Hasn't had much opportunity, really, not until recently. No audience, and it needs an audience.]

Ready, then? Allons-y! [And he brings his hands back to the other Time Lord's temples, a mirror to earlier, but he's pleased this time, not angry or distant, and the drums will be less—or not so much less as different, more a part of him than an infection, an invasion. More complex and less militant, almost as though there might be music behind them, but it's too far away to hear.]

[This connection isn't about letting his other into his mind—only in so much as his mind can serve as the connection between his TARDIS and his other. That's where he places his own mental focus—on that point at the back of his thoughts where everything that he is merges out into something greater, the ship around him, her reassuring, total presence, the constant adjustments of systems, the gold and spark of almost-thoughts, almost-memories, almost-emotions, sensations from a sentience that's beyond even his total comprehension but that is also part of him. There are flecks of that gold in him, where there shouldn't be, and out there, in the flow of her, the occasional flash of the wrong kind of memory, of being limited and small and quick and bright and easily hurt.]

[The harder he focuses on that connection, the less-threatening the drums become, until they almost fall away into the pulse of him and her, and of the greater Time Vortex beyond, that alien place apart from everything that he can touch, just barely, through her.]

[The TARDIS is curious. She's been helping him, but there's someone else here now, like her Doctor but not, someone else who might be able to help, and she curls forward through her Doctor's mind, like an anemone unfurling, twists of light along shared nerve endings, looking for the other. Wary, afraid the new one might hurt hers, but willing to make him welcome. For now.]

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